In the Shadow

I've been really really annoyed lately with what I consider to be a ghost, a shadow.

After an incredible weekend of romance and intimacy the Chief stopped to ask, "What did I do to deserve that?"

My jaw just about dropped. I was stunned. "Why should you need to earn it?" I asked back.

He was really quiet for a moment. "I'm just not used to it."

His Ex was a wonderful girl, and a great person. She introduced him to a great many things and shared some really important moments and memories with him. And for this I am grateful. I wouldn't have had some of the conversations, and opportunities with him that I have been lucky enough to have...

But it breaks me just a little bit when I go to idly rub his shoulders and he flinches, wondering why I'm doing it...

I'm doing it because I love you. I love the way I feel when my hands touch your skin. I love the way my fingers feel laced and threaded through yours. I love bringing you to your knees with pleasure. I love writing love notes for you, just to show you I'm thinking about you. I love doing things for you to see your smile, it lights up the room. I love doing things with you, because everything with you is better than anything without you.

You should never have to earn your partners love. They should give it freely, and often. They should want to share everything they are with you, They should want to do nice things for you, and want to spend time with you- even if you're doing nothing at all. But you should never have to earn their attention. And you should never have to earn their love. And like hell do you have to earn sex.

I don't know what it was like with her. I don't know how you talked with her, or what you did with her. I don't know what it was like to be her partner. And really, I don't need to know.

But I do need you to know that I am not her. I crave the feel of your lips brushing mine. I want to hear all about your day, even if it is just that you played your favourite video game for hours, or watched a funny movie or TV show. I want to make messes in the kitchen and blow dish soap bubbles across the kitchen with you. I want to make love you every night, and every morning that we can. And I want to curl up and fall asleep with my hand on your heart, listening to the lullaby of your breathing. I want to rub your shoulders and listen when you've had a bad day. I want to fold laundry with you and throw socks at each other. I want to share everything I am, and everything I will be with you, and only you. You will never have to earn my love, because its already yours. And you will never have to ask, because you'll know that I love you.

Obviously I am a girl. Which apparently makes me automatically irrational and emotional. And that's probably exactly what this is about. But I will not let him feel like he has to earn my touch, or a blow job, or a someone to be silent with. I'm sure I'll get a text, or a call when the Chief finds this later, and hopefully he's smiling, instead of ready to scold me for thinking too much   ;)